If I wrote a note to God

not only you guys are questioning about our r/s, even up till now I do not have an answer. I don't know whether this is the best way though I know that this is definitely not the smartest yet the wisest way. Never had I loved a guy this much before till the extent that I can actually say :" I can't do w/o weixiang". Yes, I know I can actually do w/o him but hope you guys get my drift from that sentence? especially those who know me personally and long enough, you guys will know that I am definitely not very much into boys and definitely able to do fine and well w/o them in life.

I don't know if I am a burden to him especially when he was the one who initiated the breakup at first :'( I wonder if he lies in bed every night wondering what should he do to distance himself away from me in order for me to forget this relationship. You guys have no idea how much I fear of loosing him every second. Every night before I sleep, I fear that he'd be gone the next day. When we meet up, I fear that this meet up is gonna be the last and poof, he's gone for better or for worst. I seriously dread for this day to come till the extent I can actually pray to God :" God.. if you love me, don't take him away from me."

I honestly find wexiang brainless (hehe sorry) when he say:"forget bout me, you'll find better..." SERIOUSLY SPEAKING i'm not at the age of 8 years old where you can expect me to forget the way you want it to be 10 years down the road, right? I'm at a goddamn age of 18 oh holy mama, common its the time of my life where I try out the bits and pieces of things that are able to build up chapters in my life. Fine.. my brains MIGHT be able to please you to FORGET things like getting wasted at night but helloooooo, falling in LOVE in a total different thing :'( and.. wo bu yao other guys sorry, only want weixiang ok.

Sometimes I find myself such a let down, to the people around me, especially God :( my faith is still strong but I can't deny it isn't as strong as ever anymore. Part of me just wants to be trapped in her past- that little girl who was in charge of her school's revival and so hungry for God at the same time, having that little few friends around her, never worrying about money, when boys are inexistence. Another part of me just want to skip all this dramas and processes to the future I am fated in and hopefully, weixiang will be in my future.

hate to be with you because I will eat like I have just run loose from hell.
love>hate.